Monday, May 15, 2017

Sitting In The Rubble Again

Part of why this whole debacle in Idaho has been particularly hard (and unbearably instructional) is because of our decision to move forward in the first place.  It was OUR decision.  It was OUR move.  It was OUR choice.

I've squared my shoulders and climbed lots of rocky mountains before.  But the mountains have never been of my own making.  The mountains I've faced were dropped in my path.  Never the result of something I caused.  

This is horribly new.

This time I'm coming to God - my Heavenly Father - who I have counseled with, co-created with, and relied upon.  I'm coming to Him on my knees and, in essence, saying, "We really messed up.  Can you help us?  Even though I know this is MY fault.  My decision.  My BAD decision.  But I can't do this without You.  Please."  How can I dare ask that??  How can I say that when I caused this??? 

I've never felt more like the "foolish man who built his house upon the sand" than I do right now.  Literally.  There's a flood 500 yards from my doorstep.  It's the perfect metaphor for our entire year!  Nothing feels stable or permanent.    

Reconciling this has been a major hurdle for me. I am both comforted and haunted by my favorite CS Lewis quote - "Whatever you do, He will make good of it" (oh what sweet relief!)  "But NOT the good He had prepared for you if you had obeyed." (we're screwed).

In spite of the feeling of total chaos churning my insides and smashing me down, I have slowly come to rely on the following conclusions - 

#1 - Part of this life is understanding that we WILL make mistakes.  I will make mistakes.  OF MY OWN CHOOSING!  It's okay.  It doesn't mean I can't rebuild.  

#2 - Good things - amazing, beautiful things - have happened because of our move here.

#3 - Every time Greg and I have reached a pinnacle where we needed divine help, it has always arrived.  Always.  We have seen multiple miracles and the timing has been absolutely divine.  Every. Single. Time.  God has never failed us.  

#4 - This new combination of bad decisions and facing my God has been a tremendous opportunity (although I never want to repeat it).  I'm coming to better understand His love for me.  

#5 - The temple.  The temple, the temple, the temple.  My sanctuary.  My absolute need for the rest of my life.  I have never felt the relief and peace that I've so desperately prayed for as I have at the temple this year. 

And then these lyrics.  I think about these lyrics all the time.  I love when Nichole talks about how God sits with us in that pile of rubble and loves us and waits with us while we're deconstructing.  

That's where I've been.  

And as Greg reminds me often - we don't know where this goes yet.


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